MJ and me

I'm sure the reader of this blog hasn't failed to notice that my 'pseudonymn' is about Michael Jackson. I'm a huge fan. Have been for about fifteen years now. Before that, I was just a fan. But when I was fifteen, my dad gave me HIStory for Christmas, and that was the trigger. That was also the year he gave me Prince's 3-disc epic, but that didn't have the same effect. Hmmm.

Anyway, I love Michael Jackson, and for a while was slightly obsessed. I remember downloading his autobiagraphy from the internet one afternoon. This was in the days of dial-up, so it took about four hours. I then stayed up until half-two the following morning reading it. I would record any little snippet of news or telly to do with Michael Jackson- three minute reports on Inside Edition, a mention of him on Hard Copy, a clip of an interview on regional news. Usually, I'd just program the VCR, but I didn't trust it when it came to MJ, so I'd actually set my alarm to wake up so I could go downstairs and press 'record' myself, if something was on late at night. I also used to set my alarm to wake up to watch porn, but that's by the by. Hey, I was a fourteen-year old virgn, going to a convent school. Gimme a break!

I'd visit all these fan sites and download and print off photos of him. I'd print off the black and white ones at home, and the colour ones at my dad's office. And because I chose to spend my allowance on other things, I'd do a sort of homemade laminating with scotch tape and lots of patience. I'd put these pictures up in my MJ corner, which was up by the head of my bed. I'd go to second-hand book stores and look for magazines or books that had his photo on the cover or his name in the title. I'd post in fan forums. And when we went to St Thomas on holiday in 1997, I found the most perfect video called Michael Jackson: The Legend Continues. I also ended up snogging the salesdude from the record store I bought it in. Go me! I ordered a Jackson 5 Anthology, which was effing awesome and which I listened to constantly. I made mix-tapes...about fifteen if memory serves. And my parents got me a walkman one year, because they were sick of me begging them to play my tapes in the car when we were on holiday. I'd make my dad bring me CDs or tapes whenever he went on a business trip. And for a few years, I signed all my emails and letters "Peace, Love and Michael Jackson". I think this lost me a few friends and a lot of respect, but I wasn't running for public office so it was cool.

I could go on, and on and on. I did it all. The only thing I didn't do was see him perform and I'd planned to do that when he finally returned to the stage in London. My Nigerian posse over here are huge fans as well, so we were all hoping to get tickets. But the fates were against us. I was even considering buying one of the VIP tickets at £730 a pop.

And then the news broke.

I was having trouble sleeping that night, because my husband was getting on my nerves...as per. And just as I was dozing off, he shook me to tell me that Michael Jackson was being taken to hospital. I was like, "Oh, ok. As long as he isn't dead." Then my mate The Princess texted me to say that Michael Jackson was dead, and I replied "Well, BBC News says he isn't, so I'm going with that. Talk to you tomorrow!" Then my ex (who is also The Princess's brother) phoned me to tell me that Michael Jackson was dead, and I was like "BBC News says he isn't, so I don't know. Can I ring you tomorrow?" This is all hazy because I was at that halfway point between sleep and wake. I was actually more annoyed that people were texting and calling me at that hour of the night, when anyone who knows me properly, knows that I don't like being disturbed after nine o'clock!

But then the next morning, when I switched on BBC Breakfast, I realised it was true. And I couldn't believe it. I didn't cry though, but I was just incredibly sad. Let's get one thing straight. I may be a bitch, but I do have a heart. However, I do not cry for celebrities. The only people that are worth my tears are my friends and family, or ordinary people who are going through extreme hardship. So as sad as I was, my eyes remained dry. When I went to the dentist that morning, the shop opposite was blasting a radio station that was obviously paying tribute to him, and taking calls from listeners. Good music all morning. When I came home, I knew that the music channels would be showing interviews and what not, so I kept the telly on them.

And then I became angry.

All these celebrities being interviewed, talking about how great he was and how sad they all are now that he's dead, and I just thought "Fuck you. Fuck ALL of you! Where the hell were you when he was going through hard times and all he wanted was a kind word and some support? Fucking bastards! Now all of you 'can't stop crying' and are 'devastated'. Fuck off and die, the lot of you!" And that feeling continued throught the day. But I still didn't shed a tear. My husband went back to work the following morning, and I was heading off to the Manor (which is where The Princess lives...obviously) for her anniversary party. As I was getting ready to go and packing my suitcase, You Are Not Alone came on the telly. And THAT was when I shed a tear.

All Michael Jackson did was love and he wanted love in return, and the world just shat all over him. And as cheesy as it was, You are Not Alone was very apt, because he was sort of alone. It just made me so sad. Sad is the only word I can think to describe how I felt. I have never in my life cried over a celebrity death. Never. But I think MJ was worth it. That Saturday in June, at the Manor, the Madams and our Nigerian posse paid tribute in our own way. We danced all day and all night to Mike, stopping to shake our heads in shock. But it was a brilliant day.

His memorial service was another issue entirely. I cried like a baby for most of it, and I even bought a copy of it in Trinidad. But I haven't had the stones to watch it yet. It's even on my DVR, but also can't watch it again. Sigh!

This post became even more relevant, because last night his 30th Anniversary Special was on telly. It was like a car crash. I wanted to watch, but I couldn't. So I kept flicking back and forth. And in the end I couldn't sleep. I stayed up way past my bedtime, just laying in bed willing him back to life. Let's see if it works...

In the mean time, here are some of my favourite MJ songs, from different stages in his career. I haven't chosen well-known songs, so hopefully dear reader, you will appreciate them.




He recorded this early on his career with the Jackson 5, so was between 11 and 13, and his voice is just amazing. I love the haunting quality of the first lines and remember when I first heard it. I couldn't believe that this song existed. I fell in love with it immediately, and was like "YES MIKE!!! YOU CAN SEE ME IN THE MORNING!!!" Oh my.




This song reminds me of nighttime in Spain. I'd have this song on loop overnight, to help me sleep. so when I hear this, I'm just reminded of me laying in bed in the dark, dreaming about the guy I fancied at work and MJ in alternate fantasies. I love his voice on this track. So smooth, so perfect. The tonal quality is excellent and when he gets to the end and is singing in the higher key, almost like he's pleading, it just kills me. Even listening to it now is a bit much. It makes me shake inside.





I first heard this song on that video I bought in St Thomas. I loved that it was a live performance as well, since until that point the only live video I could think of was 'Another Part of Me'. I'd never heard this song before, but I LOVE it and I love his perfomance of it and the irony is that this video is from the same tour as 'Another Part of Me'. It looks like he's somewhere in Asia and everyone's just bloody loving it. And the fact that he's enjoying this performance so much, even though it's an older song just shows that he was simply born to do this. I love that outfit he wore on the Bad tour. I think it's my favourite.





My favourite song from Invincible. I honestly can't describe how it makes me feel. I remember putting this on when I went to the Academia on Saturdays to work on lessons and materials. I'd sit there, eating pizza, drawing out clocks on sheets of bristol board, and singing along to this. He is voice on this track gave me butterflies. I think it's right up there with Don't Stop Til You Get Enough as my all time favourite MJ song.

I think Micheal Jackson's is the only celebrity death I've ever really cared about before and it'll probably be the last. I mean, I don't think I'll be that bothered when Justin Timbertesticles goes over to the other side or when Madonna finally does the respectable thing and surrenders what's left of her soul.

Michael Jackson was special and even though I've never met him and most like never would have, I honestly miss him.