Ramblings of a mad woman

Well

It's a new year. 2009. Hmmm. And I'm sitting here today in a strange mood. I'm beset by negative thoughts and feelings and I'm not really sure why. I mean, my life is pretty good, comparatively speaking. I have a good husband, we live pretty well. I was able to leave my job to go back to university and I got some pretty good presents for Christmas. We have no major worries at the moment (touch wood). So I should be happy. But I'm not. Why?

Well, first off I keep thinking about all the things I DON'T have. Like the friends I've lost. One I lost to death, and one I've lost to... well, I'm not really sure.

I had this friend. Someone I considered to be one of my best friends. We met about seven years ago and quickly became inseperable. We were so similar and got on so well. I thought we'd be friends forever. I thought the feeling was mutual. I thought we had the kind of friendship where we could be honest and share our problems. To be fair, I had quite a lot of problems and issues, but she was always there for me, and I always knew that if she needed me for anything I'd be there for her. I missed her whenever I went home and made the effort to keep in touch. It was a great frienship...or so I thought.

Now it's over, and I'm not entirely sure why. I mean, she's given me a reason, but I don't know what to make of it. Apparently I'm too negative a person to be around. This of course, has made me super paranoid. But not only that, I'm now questioning our entire friendship. Was it all a lie? How long did she feel this way? And why did she not say anything to me, instead of letting it fester inside for all that time?

I can't begin to describe the emotions I went through and am still feeling. First I was confused. Then I was angry, then sad. But now I'm mostly hurt. And angry. I just don't know. I never thought I was an overly-negative person, but now I find myself changing my behaviour to make sure I don't put anyone off. I worry about how I'm perceived, whereas before, I wouldn't say I didn't care, but around people I thought were close to me, I didn't think I needed to.

Which sort of brings me back to my original feelings. If someone is meant to be a best friend, aren't they supposed to take you as you are? Aren't they supposed to be able to talk to you about anything, even if it might be unpleasant? The more I think about it, the angrier I get. And I get even angrier when I remember that one of my good friends is now good mates with her...thanks to me. It's like the 'black friend' quota stands at one.

And the thing is, I've tried to make amends. I've apologised for my behaviour and asked if we can start from scratch. I've more or less grovelled. And I've been ignored. So why do I keep on doing it? I don't know. I really valued our friendship. Ninety percent of my memories of the past eight years include her and things we did together. I'm just not able to shut her out and forget everything.

So now I've heard that she's coming home next year. What do I do? Do I just let it go? Or do I double my efforts? Who knows? But who cares? I mean, in the big scheme of things, it isn't that important. Right?