Make me somewhere I can call a home

I wrote this months ago, and only just realised that I never posted it. Oh my!

I came back from Trinidad a couple weeks ago. I went for Carnival, which was bloody effing awesome and of course to see my family and friends, who I haven't seen for a year.


I always have mixed feelings about going home now, which makes me a bit sad. I mean, Trinidad is home. It's where I was born, it's where I grew up, it's where my family live. I like to think it's where my heart is and to some extent that's true. I do get excited about going back home and all that it entails. I look forward to walking into my house and seeing what's changed, watching cable telly, sleeping in my own bed, just being at home. I love waking up in the morning in my old bed and the familarity it entails; going downstairs and making a cup of tea, listening to the radio when my dad switches it on. If my husband's with me, we have breakfast out on the porch. If I'm on my own, I'm happy to switch on the telly and watch syndicated sitcoms with my tea and crix. For lack of a better word, it's nice.


But then I leave the shelter of the valley and I get so angry. Life in Trinidad has changed so much, it's almost unrecognisable. People have become more selfish, more ignorant and more ridiculous. Customer service are two words which seem to have no meaning in Trinidad. People act as if they're doing you some massive favour by allowing you to pay them money for whatever it is they're selling. And it irritates me. I've become very abrasive in my old age and especially since I've been living over here, I've learned to demand certain things as a paying customer. But I digress.

Money has totally corrupted Trinidadian society. People are no longer satisfied with their lot. Maybe I'm looking back on my childhood with rose-tinted spectacles, but I remember things were different. There wasn't as much traffic, for one thing and there wasn't cell-phones. Cell-phones have also helped in the deterioration of Trini life. It has taken such an important place in some people's lives that human beings become almost secondary. But that too is for another day.

However, certain things happen that restore my faith in Trinidadians. I was in a supermarket, standing in the queue behind this old woman. I mean, she was old, about seventy-odd, maybe older. She was initially behind me, but she had less stuff than me, so I asked her if she wanted to go ahead of me. She was so sweet about it, it really touched me. So we're stood there, waiting (the queue was so long!), when this man came up to her and said "Tantie, yuh goin' home after here? When yuh done wait fuh me outside and I will drop yuh. Doh go eh. I will drop yuh." She said "Oh, ok. I'll wait. Thanks eh!" And my heart just soared. That to me, was a massive symbol of what Trini society used to be made of. It made me feel so good, that all my hatred towards those in the "Ten Items or Fewer" queue with blatantly more than fifteen items, dissipated somewhat.

I carried that feeling with me for at least an hour...until some dickhead ran a red-light and almost smashed into me and had the nerve to tell me to mind my business. Sigh!

The thing is that I don't feel like I can live in Trinidad any time soon. And that makes me so sad. I don't consider England to be my home. The other day I realised that any kids I might have in the future probably won't have the same attachment to Trinidad that I have and that depressed me in a big way. I mean, I always knew my kids would be British but it never really occurred to me that they'd see England as their home.

I've lived in three European countries- France, Spain and Germany and my husband is half-Irish, so we go to Ireland a lot to visit his dad and gran. And I love it all. Spain is very West Indian and I can most definitely see the influence they had on us, and in a moment of madness I wished that they were the last colonial power to rule over us. Ah well...

So right now I'm feeling a bit rootless. I don't feel as if I belong anywhere. But maybe one day I'll stop being so precious and go back home. Or maybe one day I'll feel at home within the British system and stop whingeing so much.

Chance would be a fine thing...

A turn up for the books

I'm sitting here, in my dressing gown, drinking Green Tea with Mango, watching Numbers and I feel particularly content. I don't know if it's the green tea high, or the fact that since my husband is away, I can watch Numbers in peace. Who knows?

But for now, I feel as if all is right with my life, if not the world. And it feels pretty good.