What? More frigging Post Mortem?

We sit down at the table, and my poor sister is stuck next to Fat Suuuu (ok, I'd just like to clarify that Fat Suuu is not morbidly obese or anything. She's just a little bit chubby. But since I am one for nicknames, this is how I always refer to her). Fat Suuu was next to The Bell, and The Bell's boyfriend. Fat Suuu's boyfriend was next to Mr Bunny. It was a very odd seating arrangement, but the gin was kicking in, so I didn't give a shit.

So I ordered the pate to start with, followed by the potted shrimps. Mr Bunny ordered the potted shrimps to start with, followed by the lamb's liver. My sister chose the potted shrimps followed by the duck. Fat Suuuu ordered everything. Ok no, she didn't. I honestly didn't pay attention to what she chose, because I was too busy wondering if I should have the lamb shank instead. Then the waitress got to The Bell. The Bell dithered for so long, the waitress actually said "I'm going to have to take the order from the next table and come back to you. Is that alright?" The Bell just tittered and said ok and began to think out loud. If you had ever heard The Bell's voice, you would know just how painful this is. It was all I could do to not cringe and shout out"SHUT THE FUCK UP!" Instead, I just chatted a bit with Mr Bunny. The waitress came back, took The Bell's order and that was that.

Then Fat Suuu clocked my bag. She was like "Oh, is that a genuine Jimmy Choo?" And I just looked at her and was like, in this fake posh voice, "It is indeed madam. I don't do knock-offs darling." And I smiled so she'd think "Well, at least she's a funny bitch." So then she asks where I got it, and I said "Um, Jimmy Choo." I mean, like d'uh. Steups. I was just waiting for the follow up questions and she did not disappoint. "Oooh, which one? Was it expensive?" So I'm like "Jimmy Choo in Cannes. It wasn't cheap, but I really wanted it. So they saved it for me, I sent them the money and they posted it. It was pretty easy." Then she says "Wow. That's cool. Was it for your birthday or something?" And this is where I saw my chance to put the boot in. Rub her nose in it. Make her regret her past mistakes. "Nah. I just saw it and wanted it. Like I said, it wasn't cheap, but I was like whatevs. I love it, so I'm having it." She goes a bit red, and I want to laugh SO badly. But then she goes "Didn't Mr Bunny say anything?" and says to him "Mr Bunny, you didn't mind?" And God bless Mr Bunny for saying "Meh. She likes her handbags. Everyone has their thing." and shrugging while smiling.

It was right then that it became clear to me why I married him.

So then she starts to ask him how he's finding life back in England and all that. I tune them out and chat a bit to my sister, who whispers to me that she thinks The Bell has noticed that every time she speaks, I make this face. My sister had noticed that every time The Bell said something, she'd look over at me to see what my reaction was. It looks like I was doing it unconsciously. Oh my.

I fully expected them two to be all up in my shits, prying into my business and trying to find out exactly how we live and what not. And so said, so done. All the questions were there, nosiness in full swing. To be honest, I didn't really care. I mean, if they wanted to spend their evening talking about me, then whatevs. They both had boyfriends there, but they only factored into the equation occasionally. I also wondered if the boyfriends knew about the history of this little incestuous group- The Bell and Mark, The Bell and Mr Bunny, sister-in-law with The Han, sister-in-law with Mark, The Bell kind of with The Han. It's all very 'Friends' and all very disgusting.

Fat Suuu's boyfriend is bloody brilliant though. He got drunk very quickly and was soon talking loudly and making jokes. When someone whipped out a camera, he began doing Magnum and Blue Steel in which ever direction the lens was pointing. At one point, he had to ask Suuu for money because he didn't have any cash. Turns out he has a massive gambling problem and isn't particularly 'solvent'. Oh me, oh my. The Bell's boyfriend only comes up to my waist, bless his tiny little heart. I got a chance to have a little chat with them, when the two harpies did that annoying girlie thing and went to the loo together. They're both really nice guys and they both have my sympathy.

The food comes, it's deelishis and we all chow down and make small talk. They seemed very curious to know what we did on the weekends. This meant that I had to reciprocate and pretend I gave a shit about what they got up to on Saturdays and Sundays. The Bell then brings up some restaurant that I simply must get Mr Bunny to take me to. It's called Cock & Barrel or something like that. Suuu's boyfriend latched on to that and started shouting out "Cock! Cock! Cock!" She was obviously embarassed. I mean, let's be honest, Mr Bunny would have gotten the look by then. So she says "Oi, stop it! Please, just ignore him. He gets like this sometimes." And I genuinely felt sorry for her. Mr Bunny can be a bit of a douche when he's had a few too many, so I know how annoying it is.

However all this sympathy flew out of my arse a few moments later. Mr Bunny went to the bar to replenish my uncomfortably low drink. Suuu and The Bell decided to go get another bottle of wine. I turned around in my seat to try and get his attention to tell him I actually fancied a vodka instead of gin, when I saw a white hand on his lower back, touching him in a way that most def did not say "Yeah, we're just mates." In a split second, I thought about going over there and punching someone out, about shouting across the room to startle them and about pretending as if I'd seen nothing. I went with option three. When Mr Bunny came back, he whispered to me "Fucking Suuu keeps touching me. What's her problem?" and I just looked at him.

They tried to convince us to stay out and follow them into Nantwich so we could continue the festivities. Um, no. I'm good thanks. I didn't even want to be in the stupid pub! I'd extend the torture by willingly going to another pub with them? I may be a little weird, but I'm not totally insane. As soon as was polite, we made our excuses and looked to hit the road. That's when it started "Oh no, you mustn't leave so soon. Stay for one more drink. Mr Bunny, why are you dragging her home so early? Oh come on, stay out with us. We'll make sure she gets home ok." And I'm thinking "Are these heifers for real? Like seriously? At what point in the evening did I ever act as if I wanted to socialise with you beyond these enforced social parameters?"

We just swatted away all that bollocks, said our goodbyes, got our coats and left. And I do not think I have ever been more relieved to leave a social gathering in my entire life. Even though Mini Han didn't come in the end (turns out he has a life in London), the evening wasn't as terrible as I thought. It was a bit, but the excellent food sort of made up for it.

I realised that I feel a bit sorry for the both of them. I'm also a bit baffled by all these feelings. I mean, yeah I married Mr Bunny and he is the homme de ma vie, but let's be honest- he's not the best looking guy I've ever seen. He does have his moments though, I must say. *wink wink*. Why are these chicks still toting feelings all these years later? He and I have been together for nearly five years and married for nearly three of those years. It's been nearly half a whole decade. Even longer for Suuu, since they broke up when Mr Bunny was like 22. I am just left to wonder why after all this time, they're still acting like this. I understand that they might feel that there's some unfinished business between them, when you think about the reasons why both relationships ended. Mr Bunny found out Suuu was cheating on him and dumped her. The Bell played a game and it backfired horribly on her. So neither of them really wanted things to end. I can also understand the resentment they may feel towards me. I mean, as far as they knew, Mr Bunny moved up to Preston for work. Nothing more. But he moves in to a flat where the awesome black girl just happened to live, and is married two years later. I'm an outsider to their little group, I'm a foreigner, I'm wicked clever, I have a degree, I'm the first black person they've ever really had any extended contact with and I don't conform to the stereotype and now they just don't know what to make of me. I come in and invade their little comfort zone and upset their equilibrium. If I wasn't the one who was so awesome, I'd hate me too!

I catch them sneaking glances at my engagment ring (the diamond's not as massive as I'd have liked, but it's still bigger than average). I see them checking Mr Bunny's ring finger. I remember before we even got married, Suuu asked him if he was planning to wear a ring. Sigh. When a bit of Mr Bunny's hair was sticking up and I smoothed it down, out of the corner of my eye I saw her looking at me. Fat Suuu especially finds any reason to touch him, which I can't say I mind. Since it really just rolls off his back.

What I can't hack is the fake friendliness. We're all sat around that table and they're acting like we're all best mates and do this on a regular basis. "Oh, you really must come round to Suuu's on a Friday and have some wine with us." "Oooooh, you really have to come out with us in Nantwich one night. It'll be brilliant!" "Ooooh, next time you're going to the pub give us a shout."

Yeah right bitches!

You don't like me, you don't like me. That's fine. I'm ok with that. I don't expect you to like me. But don't pretend to be my best mate. The Bell seems to have completely forgotten her rather bizarre behaviour just over a year ago, when I nearly ended up cussing her out on the phone. Instead, when Mr Bunny phoned his sister, I kindly gave her a carefully worded message that I know she passed on. Long story! I don't have time for white girls like you. I knew enough of you at uni and they irritated me no end! I can deal with the fact that you're the exes and that you will all at certain times, end up hanging out together. I don't mind that you and his sister are all dead tight. I don't mind that he might run into you at her house or in a pub or something. It's ok. I trust Mr Bunny implicitly. I don't really trust you, but hey, them's the breaks. But you are not my equal in any way, shape or form. So I'm good, ta. I'll be civil and polite when we see each other, but please stop with the bullshit. It just does my head in and in any case, I'm better at it than you.

I mean after all, I am the winner.