Give me strength

Exactly one week tomorrow, I will be attending the dinner from hell, with the guest list from hell. My sister-in-law's birthday is this month and as such, she wants to go for a meal next Saturday. I do not care very much for my sister-in-law. When we first met all those years ago, she was not very nice to me. It was as if she felt the need to make some sort of statement about control or whatever (LONG story). The fact that she did this in my own home was what I took umbrage at. It was so bad, even my future father-in-law (who was visiting us) was like "What the fuck's she playing at?" But no one said anything to curb her behaviour. I continued to make the effort, but after a while I was like "Wait, why the hell am I being a knobhead? Fuck it!" So I stopped. But now, she wants to make nice and I can't be fucking arsed. My feeling now is- I already have sisters and friends and I need more of neither.

Am I being harsh? Maybe. Am I being petty? Possibly. Do I give a shit? Not really. Mr Bunny cares though, but he can suck my plums. My feeling is that when he had the chance to nip the shit in the bud, he wimped out. He wanted to avoid confrontation, like he avoids his sister. So now he's trying to guilt me into making amends. But I'm still like "Fuck it."

But I digress.

So it's her birthday soon, and we have to go to this meal. So why is it going to be so hellish? Well in attendance will be both of Mr Bunny's long-term exes; or as I like to refer to them "The Losers." Oh did I not mention that my sister-in-law is best mates with them? Sigh.

Both of these exes hate me, for obvious reasons. In particular, the one who was with him months before we met despises me. I call her The Bell. I don't blame her though. For hating me I mean. It was her own stupid fault that they broke up. You see, they'd been together for two years, off and on. They lived together for most of that time. Then she broke up with him and vanished for like four months. When she reappeared, they got back together ad all was well. But then she broke up with him again. He then moved to Preston and met the awesome black girl and the rest is history, as they say. From what I was told, they were supposed to get back together and settle down. And up until a few weeks before we met, she and Mr Bunny were doing that typical ex thing, of hanging out together and boning down. So she thought they were on track for a reconciliation and the happy ending. And to some extent, so did he.

But then in swooped the black girl to jumbie her scene. Diddums.

The hilarious thing is that she so blatantly still fancied Mr Bunny and he was so horrifyingly oblivious. It all came o a head the night I went out with his friends. Yes, The Bell is part of his circle. She tried all sorts of tricks to catch his attention, including sexy dancing and a sexy walk. But on her best day, she's not as ace as me on my worst day. Added to this, Mr Bunny is the most unobservant man I have met in my entire life, so this all went over his head. Anyway, we got back to another friend's house and all went inside. I went up to use the loo, while Mr Bunny's dad phoned and he stayed outside talking to him. When I came back from using the 'facilities', The Bell was sat on his lap, speaking to his dad "Oh Gerry, I miss you so much. Can't wait to see you again! Miss you loads, love you lots." When Mr Bunny clocked me stood in the doorway, he kind of looked at me as if to say "What could I do?". I went back inside and sat on the sofa, watching a bit of telly. The Bell then came inside and sat next to me and was like "Look, you mustn't be angry. Just so you know Mr Bunny and I have been best mates for ten years, so you know, we're just close. It's just that we've been best mates for ten years, y'know. So we have a lot of history. It's been ten years, y'know?" She just kept on saying ten years, like some sort of mad old woman. When she was finished, I just looked at her, smiled a little and said "It's cool you know. But just so you know, I don't play games and I don't do bullshit. I'll just tell you like it is. Anyone who knows me knows that they shouldn't fuck with me. Just so you know." *little smile* She just gave a little laugh and went back outside to have a fag. By the by, I later found out that Gerry could not stand The Bell. He used to call her 'Einstein' behind her back. She is a bit of an idiot, to be fair.


Mr Bunny had no idea all this was going on inside. He was outside having a beer with the lads. But when we were leaving, The Bell walks up to him and whispers in his ear. Later, I learned that she told him that she was still in love with him. His response? "Um, nice one."

When we've met subsequently, she's been nice to me and I've been pleasant to her. She's always been one for the underhanded compliment though. One Christmas, we all went out again (including Fatsooo, the other ex he lived with) and she was like "Oh, I love your shoes. You're looking a bit thin though, is everything ok?" And I just laughed said "Yeah. Sorry, still married." She just looked at me with some nervous smile and went to the bar.

I won't even go into Fatsooo and her constant questions to Mr Bunny "Are you happy? Are you sure? You always said you'd never get married. Are you travelling, like you always wanted to?"

So needless to say, I'm in no way looking forward to wasting a whole Saturday night, sat next to any of these three. I've already told Mr Bunny that he is the designated driver, since I will need to consume copious amounts of alcohol just so I don't end up slitting my own wrists and trying to drown myself in the ladies' loo. This isn't even taking into consideration Mr Bunny's best mate's ex, who is STILL pissed off at me because I didn't invite her to my wedding.

Garcon! I'll start with the quadruple gin and tonic please, followed by a triple vodka and cranberry. No, no food for me. But do you by chance have a bottle of Scotch? Many thanks.