Anniversaire, cumpleanos, old-age

Happy Birthday to me.

Today's the big day, and I'm not sure how I'm feeling. Well, actually I am pretty sure. I feel old and a little bit worthless. I'm thirty years old today. Thirty. Three, zero. Just seeing it here in black and white is slightly distressing. I am thirty years old, and I don't really have anything to show for it. What have I achieved in my thirty years on this planet? Fuck all. Sweet fuck all.

Sigh!

Y'know, as children, we all have these visions as to what our lives would be like when we hit this age. I mean, when I was nine, thirty seemed SOOOO far away. Hell, when I was seven, twelve seemed like it would never come. But I thought I'd be at a different place by now and the painful realisation is that I am indeed in a different place. Just not the place I'd envisioned.

It all hit me a few months ago, that the sum total of my achievments is being married. I don't work, I don't have kids, I don't even own my own car. What have I got to show for my time on this earth? Some really expensive handbags, ninety-seven pairs of shoes and cool hair. Hmmmm. I did own a car once. Little green car. It was an M-reg Ford Fiesta, and it cost me £700. I loved that car. It was mine. Yeah, Mr Bunny hated it, but I didn't care. Little green car was ace. I had to sell it though, when I decided to head back to Trinidad for an extended period. And oh, it was so hard to let it go. Now I drive a nice, silver Ford Focus. It's all reliable and safe and economical, and we have a black Alfa Romeo Spider for sunny weekends. But the less said about that car at the moment, the better.

What's my point, I hear you roll your eyes? My point is, those things don't belong to me. My husband paid for them. He pays for everything. He bought both cars, he owns this flat. And the really depressing thing, is that I have allowed this to happen. I've made poor decisions and that is what angers and upsets and saddens me more than anything else. I've done this to myself.

So what am I going to do about it? Well, I've decided to go back to work. Going back to do anything (except clean loos). But I need to regain some self-respect. So maybe this mini-mid-life crisis happened for a reason. Silver lining and all that, I guess. I'm extremely grateful that I'm able to have the lifestyle that I do since I know there are those much less fortunate than we are. But trust, it isn't all it's cracked up to be. It's lonely and a trifle boring. So I'm going to look for some part-time work to tide me over, until the baby Bunnies come. And when I made that decision, I felt a bit better. It's all about taking action baby!

Shall I break out the cake and ice cream?